I care. I’ve always cared. The ADHD way. The all-consuming way. It’s just who I am. And because I care deeply, I either get deeply hurt—or I get to uncontrollable levels of caring, i.e. anxiety all the way to neurosis. That is no Bueno, my friend. Paralyzes you, turns you into an emotional/financial burden and makes you unsufferable for your loved ones when you can’t get it under control.

I couldn’t get it under control for most of my life. The self-sabotage, the unrealistic expectations and unrealized goals/dreams, the constant arguing, the decoupling from an entire personal network and, finally, the soul-crushing self-loathing. I’ve been through it all. And I rose through it all. I needed to.

Because there was no one to hold my hand through the process in a way that made sense to me. Because around me, I was only known as a “know-it-all” at first, then a “turbulent genius”, then the “black sheep”—only to end up fading into the background as the “lazy, unrealized potential”.

Now listen, I’m not here to tell you that I will hold your hand either. Let me be real with you: even if you were born into wealth or a decent support network, it is unlikely anyone can hold your hand for long.

I know this because I asked and no one would hold my hand unless I’d pay for it. I know because I then sank all my energy into learning to know and love myself better. Given the time and energy it took for all the threads to start weaving a tapestry I myself could understand, I do not blame my closed ones today as I did then for not taking on that responsibility. They couldn’t. Just as I couldn’t when I tried for others.

I have found only time, love and a whole lot of self-experimentation can do the trick for people like us. Wealth and a support network provide a space for growth by giving you time and love. But the self-experimenting? The soul-searching? The failing at stuff until it all somehow ties into the bigger picture? That is the meaty part of our lives and there is simply no shortcut to that.

Now I talk from the perspective of my background, but really everything I say could be useful to anyone who cares or, at the very least, wishes to escape ways of life that eat away at the soul. If that’s you, then I am happy to announce that after years of searching, I have finally found ways that work for me.

I want to share them with you here. I want you to find at the very least that you’re not alone. I want to inspire you to go on your own soul-searching journey. I want to inspire you to experiment despite possible limitations. I want to show you how I do it and eventually make enough space for you to share your ways with me too.

And you know what? I am truly happy right this instant. Because when I initially thought up this blog, “I want” was still a very painful sentence for me. They were the 2 words that preceded everything I feared I would never have the willpower to chase or the wealth to purchase.

Now? it’s just the wording for a project already underway.

This space, this blog has been a long time in the making. I dreamt it as a rallying spot, a safe space for anyone who recognizes themselves even a little in my story. This is a space for the good kind of weirdos, the loving kind. My new life goal is for you to feel at home and growing here. Because I care.

Welcome!

Long story short, I was raised a good christian by a formidable force of nature in my mom, and a textbook example of personal responsibility by my dad. Not to mention I see both as some of the more impactful AND insightful academic activists I have known to-day.

I genuinely loved my parents as a child for who they were and the example they set. I genuinely fought them as a teenager the more I grew into the fiery ways of my mom, although with the rational approach of my dad (as opposed to her faithful protestant foundations). It made for an explosive mix.

Add some severe ADHD and a clever mouth to the mix and you get, well, me.

Guess what, let me show you right this instant how my mind works, so you get a sense of what I have to live with. I literally just now realized something through a quick search. Please try to follow, because all of this is relevant to the very purpose of this new space/blog.

My given names are Michaël Ametepe Edmond. For our present purposes, I initially meant to discuss only the first: Michaël. Thinking on it, I drafted the sentence: “Sooo basically, for those who get it, I’ve always felt my name was less a name and more of a spell put on me from times immemorial.”

And truly, if you know even a little about my namesake and then add to it the elements above, you may start to identify a pattern for how I have always confused myself for some kind of real-life hero.

So, the sentence came to mind, and it followed that if my thought process was right, it would actually apply to my given names as a whole. So, keeping in mind that Ametepe means “the one who steps in for another one” in Ewe language from my mother’s side, I set out to find what Edmond means.

Funny enough, I never wondered before because I was never called that anywhere, “Edmond”. As far as I remember, I have only ever been called “Michaël” or “Mika”, so I always implicitly identified only with the first name. Please keep following, all of this is important.

Believe it or not, when I sat to write this morning, I didn’t know I would end up following a thought process into given names as powerful, life-altering spells. I only knew I needed to explain why I have been transitioning from a lifelong savior complex mindset to a psychology of abundance.

I also had no idea my third name would come up to embody that very shift through the lines I now type as I discover more about myself. It’s really some spooky stuff. Check this: look up the origin for the name Edmond (or Edmund) as I just did.

Now, let’s go back to Michael, my “first name” in life so far, including to the subliminal levels described above. Like, for example, I remember taking the Myers-Briggs assessment as a uni student back when it was a popular self-assessment tool and still enjoyed some credibility. Surely enough, I would turn out an ENFJ or ENFP every single time over the years.

And surely enough, through a feedback loop I ended carving up that identity for myself: the champion, the campaigner, the protagonist. Defender of the downtrodden and paragon of justice. Right. I’ve been learning since. And that learning is, in fact, the very purpose of this blog/space.

Rasta Zen is, at its core, a space for me to make sense of why I have always been the way I describe above, the results it has produced so far and the strategies I deploy to grow everyday into a better version of myself.

Does any of the above somewhat apply to you? Then do come back often, I’m sure you will grow to love this space.