I care. I’ve always cared. The ADHD way. The all-consuming way. It’s just who I am. And because I care deeply, I either get deeply hurt—or I get to uncontrollable levels of caring, i.e. anxiety all the way to neurosis. That is no Bueno, my friend. Paralyzes you, turns you into an emotional/financial burden and makes you unsufferable for your loved ones when you can’t get it under control.
I couldn’t get it under control for most of my life. The self-sabotage, the unrealistic expectations and unrealized goals/dreams, the constant arguing, the decoupling from an entire personal network and, finally, the soul-crushing self-loathing. I’ve been through it all. And I rose through it all. I needed to.
Because there was no one to hold my hand through the process in a way that made sense to me. Because around me, I was only known as a “know-it-all” at first, then a “turbulent genius”, then the “black sheep”—only to end up fading into the background as the “lazy, unrealized potential”.
Now listen, I’m not here to tell you that I will hold your hand either. Let me be real with you: even if you were born into wealth or a decent support network, it is unlikely anyone can hold your hand for long.
I know this because I asked and no one would hold my hand unless I’d pay for it. I know because I then sank all my energy into learning to know and love myself better. Given the time and energy it took for all the threads to start weaving a tapestry I myself could understand, I do not blame my closed ones today as I did then for not taking on that responsibility. They couldn’t. Just as I couldn’t when I tried for others.
I have found only time, love and a whole lot of self-experimentation can do the trick for people like us. Wealth and a support network provide a space for growth by giving you time and love. But the self-experimenting? The soul-searching? The failing at stuff until it all somehow ties into the bigger picture? That is the meaty part of our lives and there is simply no shortcut to that.
Now I talk from the perspective of my background, but really everything I say could be useful to anyone who cares or, at the very least, wishes to escape ways of life that eat away at the soul. If that’s you, then I am happy to announce that after years of searching, I have finally found ways that work for me.
I want to share them with you here. I want you to find at the very least that you’re not alone. I want to inspire you to go on your own soul-searching journey. I want to inspire you to experiment despite possible limitations. I want to show you how I do it and eventually make enough space for you to share your ways with me too.
And you know what? I am truly happy right this instant. Because when I initially thought up this blog, “I want” was still a very painful sentence for me. They were the 2 words that preceded everything I feared I would never have the willpower to chase or the wealth to purchase.
Now? it’s just the wording for a project already underway.
This space, this blog has been a long time in the making. I dreamt it as a rallying spot, a safe space for anyone who recognizes themselves even a little in my story. This is a space for the good kind of weirdos, the loving kind. My new life goal is for you to feel at home and growing here. Because I care.
Welcome!